Turn And Face The Stranger
by garretelliot
Summary: AU Now Complete
1. Default Chapter

TITLE- TURN AND FACE THE STRANGER

AUTHOR- garrettelliot SUMMARY- Don's goddaughter is left with nothing, except herself and that's slipping away.

RATING- R(to be safe) for language and violence later (come on this is SVU).

DISCLAIMER - Not mine, (except for Becca Swan) don't own 'em, never will (tear) but I'd take Christopher Meloni as compensation. Please, can I have him? 'kay, can I borrow him? You can have him back.

AUTHOR'S NOTE- This was my first attempt at any kind of fan fiction.My first post received some nice reviews, but I'd like more. So read and review, be honest, but don't flame, I hate the smell of singed hair. No beta, so blame only me. Becca is not a self-insertion (I not nearly as messed up.) This is after Elliot and Kathy split other than that no definite time frame. She is not I repeat not going to be paired up with El, Liv, Fin or Munch. There might be romance in later chapters. This could be the first of a series.

ONE P.M. WEDNESDAY. 16TH PRECENCT.

"Where is Captain Cragen?" The woman stood unsteadily in the doorway of the squad room. There was blood on her face and the beginnings of a black eye.

Olivia walked over to the vic. "Let's get you sat down." She guided the woman to a chair. " We can take you to the ER to get you checked out and then we'll get your statement."

"No, I need to speak to Captain Cragen."

"He's not in, but anyone of us can help you."

"Call him now!" With that said she shut-up and sat staring down at the floor.

Elliot raised an eyebrow at Olivia. She called the captain's cell and told him he needed to get back to the office.

"Can you tell us what happened, ma'am?" Fin asked speaking gently to the woman as he crouched beside the chair. The young woman just sat staring down as if catatonic.

Cragen walked in a few minutes later. "What's going on here?"

At the sound of his voice the vic jumped up, threw herself into his arms and started crying. "Becca, what's going on? What happened? Becca honey, talk to me."

It took several minutes before the young woman calmed down enough to speak. "Cappie, I, I, oh god I'm gonna be sick." Her eyes grew wide and she fainted.

Elliot helped Don get her into a chair. "Who is she, Captain?"

"My god daughter, Rebecca. But she's supposed in San Francisco. Anybody know what happened to her?"

"She wouldn't talk to any of us, Cap, just sat in that chair staring at the floor." Fin answered. "Captain, she needs to go to the ER. Looks like somebody worked her over."

Munch grabbed the phone. "I'll call for a bus."

"No we can drive there faster." Elliot said and picked her up.

TWO THIRTY WEDNESDAY E.R.

Cragen waited in the hall with his two best detectives for the doctor's report. "What is taking so long? They've been in with her for an hour already."

"Come on Cap, you know it takes some time. At least with cops bringing her in they saw her right away." Elliot was concerned about Don. He'd rarely seen the man this worried. The Captain was usually cool in a crisis. "Lets get a cup of coffee, Don."

"No, maybe later. I just don't understand what she's doing here, she was suppose to come home on vacation this past August, but called and said she was heading a task force with her partner and even if they caught the perp the D.A. would have them tied up with the depositions and testimony until after New Year at least."

A woman in a white lab coat walked up to them, "Captain Cragen, I'm Doctor Reilly, I've just finished with your goddaughter. She has not regained consciousness yet, but I believe she will soon. Her vital signs are good, but I'm concerned with her overall physical condition."

"What about her injuries, Doctor. She looks as if she were beaten." Cragen asked.

"Her injuries are consistent with a beating, contusions and abrasions on the face and torso and a large bruise on the left chest, three cracked ribs under the bruise. But I'm most concerned about the signs of malnourishment and fatigue. I would say she hasn't had a decent meal or slept well in about three weeks. I've also noted some things that led me to order a rape kit."

"Damn! When can I see her?" Don asked.

"You can go in now, but she's not conscious at the moment. It will be a few minutes before the nurse will be ready to do the kit."

"Well it looks like it's our case now." Olivia said to Elliot as they followed Cragen into the exam room.

Becca regained consciousness a couple of minutes later. When she came around, she looked up at Cragen. "Sorry about showing up without warning, Cappie." She started crying.

" Becca, it's going to be alright. You're safe now. I'm here, baby." She wiped her eyes and took a deep breath. "I was raped, Cappie. We need to get things going, victim statement, rape kit." She sounded as if she were reporting on a case rather than talking about her own assault.

"The doctor has already ordered the kit. They'll be ready in a few minutes. Olivia, Elliot." Don motioned the two detectives over. "Detectives Benson and Stabler, my goddaughter, Rebecca Swan. She knows the procedures, she's works sex crimes unit, SFPD. Becca, do you want me to stay with you for this?"

"No, Cappie, I'll be okay. Go get a cup of coffee. You know this will take a while."

After he left the room, Becca looked at the two detectives. "Okay, do you want description of the perp or details of the attack first." She still sounded like a cop instead of a victim.

"Detective Swan, …" Benson began.

"Actually, it's Inspector, but call me Becca."

"Becca, start where you need to."

"I got in a cab at Kennedy at approximately 10:56 am. Told the hack my destination and dozed off. Stupid, right, but I haven't been sleeping much since..." She faltered, "in a while. About thirty minutes later, I woke up to a knife at my throat and the hack's hand under my shirt. License gave the name as Grimaldi, Vittorio, brown and brown, 6'2", 235. But the perp's eyes were gray and as he stood outside the cab pulling up his pants after, I'd estimate him at 5'11" and 190. He cut off my bra and panties, left my shirt and pants half way on. He raped me three times over about an hour. I got the lip and the black eye from trying to fight him the first time. He said if I tried again he'd slit my throat and since I didn't have my piece, I stopped fighting. Kinda hard to use self defense moves in a back seat. When he was done, the son of a bitch thanked me for a good time and then dragged me out the cab threw me on the ground and drove away. When he tossed me, I hit some metal bars stacked off to the side. I think my ribs are busted. He used a condom, so no semen, but my shirt has his blood on it. I clipped him pretty good with a right before he threatened to cut me."

"How'd you get to the precinct?" Elliot asked.

"Another cab. This time I compared the hack to the license carefully."

"You said nothing about the assault at the station, why?"

"I guess by that time I was on autopilot, Detective Stabler. All I could think of was getting to Cappie. You know run home to a safe place."

"Cappie?" He looked amused at the name.

"My dad and Uncle Don were partners back in the day. My mom died when I was born, Dad took a bullet on my sixth birthday, some kid cruising on smack who didn't want to go down for slashing his girlfriend's throat. I had no other family except an aunt who dealt and used. Uncle Don and Aunt Marge raised me after that. Cappie's been my nickname for him since his promotion. At first it was to razz him, but now it's just what I call him."

"We're ready, Detectives." The nurse came in the room with a rape kit. "I have the pain med the doctor ordered for you, Ms. Swan."

"I'll go get this description out." Stabler left.

"Good looking partner you got there, Benson. Mine looked like Lenten fish at Christmas." Suddenly her detachment cracked she began crying again. "Oh God! Ben."

"Becca, is Ben your boyfriend?" Benson asked.

"No, Ben Wyke was my partner. He ate his gun last weekend. I fucked up, crossed the line and a kid got killed and Ben blamed himself, but it was my fault. MINE!" The nurse looked like she was contemplating a sedative to go with the painkiller. "Forget the Valium, honey. Just give me the pain pills. My ribs are killing me. I'll calm down, let's just get this over with." She seemed to feel she had said too much, she was silent except for answering question about the assault.

After the nurse finished the exam and left, Becca dressed in the clothes the hospital provided for her.

"Let me see that jacket a sec, will ya?" Becca asked Olivia

"You know this is evidence?"

"Yeah, there just something I need from the pocket." She took a picture out of the pocket and handed back the jacket. "Here you go. You need anything else from me right now?"

"You need to come down and look over the photo array."

Becca looked at the photo before stashing it in a pocket. "I'll get that tomorrow, right now I need a drink. Tell Cappie I'll be at that bar down the street from the precinct. I'm out of here." She was out the door and gone before Olivia could stop her. -

TBC- A/N – How am I doing so far? Waiting for reviews.


	2. The Cracks

Title- Turn And Face The Stranger Chapter Two  
Author- garrettelliot  
Rating- R  
Disclaimer- Please gimme, I promise I won't break 'em. Damn, that didn't work either.  
Author's Note- This is not an easy one to write and if I'm doing it right it won't be easy to read. Becca is the main character in a novel I'm trying to write, she just seems to fit in here.  
To Sierra Windfire and master dancer- Thank you for your reviews, but Becca is not as in control as she thinks she is, she is trying to maintain, poorly. If you have any suggestions on how it's moving please let me know.

- O'MALLEY'S BAR FOUR P.M. Elliot held the door for Olivia and then followed her in. Olivia gestured to the bar. 

"That looks like trouble."

Elliot looked over to see Becca Swan at the bar, tossing back shots. "Pain meds and booze, not a good combination." Elliot replied. " Maybe we'd better try and get her out of here."

"Elliot, there's more here than the rape. At the ER she was talking about her partner eating his gun. She said it was her fault. I think we should find out what's going on and help if we can. Cragen deserves to know and I don't want to see him hurt if she goes off the deep end."

"If her partner did himself, she's going need more help than we can give. She needs a shrink. Maybe we should get Huang to talk to her."

As they reached the bar, Becca looked up. " How's New York's finest? Solve any big ones?" She was swaying slightly as she motioned to the bartender. "Give me another, and one for my friends."

"I think you had enough for now. Why don't you let us drive you home?" Elliot took the glass.

"Hands off, bud, that's my drink. Get your own." She reached for the shot and missed.

"Don't you think you've had enough Becca? Come on, let us get you out here, okay?" Olivia put a hand on her arm.

"No way, I'm celebrating." She grabbed the drink this time. "A toast, to Ben Wyke." She raised the glass to the picture lying in front of her on the bar. "A good cop with bad timing." She downed the shot and slammed the glass on the bar.

"Gimme another."

Elliot flashed his badge at the bartender. "She's cut off."

"You know what, Stabler? You are a jackass. Bartender, gimme another one."

"No way lady, I'm not going against a cop." The bartender turned away, Olivia stepped over to talk to him.

"So tell me about Ben. You two partners long?" Elliot asked.

"Eight years." Becca tried to shake off the alcohol and focus on the question; the booze seemed to be winning as she answered. "Ben was a good cop. Are you a good cop, Stabler? Sure you are and your partner's got your back, right?" She looked over where Olivia was talking to the bartender. "You got his back, right Benson? Good cops always got their partner's back. Ben always had my back, always. He was a good cop." She picked up the photo. "But I'm not. I'm not a good cop. I didn't have my partner's back. I wasn't there for him. I should've been there. And you know why I wasn't there. Cause I was out gettin' laid. I left him to deal on his own, so I could go and screw some guy, to get back at Ben for not talking to me after the psych eval. I oughta eat my gun. Oh, right, I don't have a one. I turned it in with my badge. Maybe I'll just go find a skyscraper and freefall. See ya." Becca headed for the door.

Olivia walked back over. "Liv, we'd better get her back to Cragen's before she does something stupid."

"I think the booze qualifies, El. Bartender says she had eight doubles." "You get her, I'll get the car." Olivia said.

Elliot caught up to Becca in the parking lot. "Come on Becca, let's get you to Don's."

"Look Stabler, I'm a big girl, I don't need a keeper. I'll be fine. I'm just looking for another place to drink since you got me cut off. Leave me alone, okay."

"Sorry Becca, but I'm not letting you do something stupid." He put a hand on her arm. Becca swung and connected with Elliot's eye.

"No!" She screamed. "Don't touch me, I won't let you!"

As Becca dropped into a fighting stance, Elliot realized she was flashing back to the attack and fighting off her rapist. She moved in on him with a wild, determined look in her eyes. He ducked the punch and danced back, trying to stay out of her reach until Liv got there to back him up. Becca was moving quickly for a drunk and closed the gap with another punch, which he blocked. El realized that he wasn't going to be able to wait her out, so when Becca came around with a kick he moved into it, and pulled her into his chest, pinning her arms to her sides. Becca was still for a moment then head butted him and as his arms fell away, swept his legs out from under him. She dropped back again and brought her fists back up, as he picked himself up, Becca moved in quickly throwing a punch toward his stomach. He blocked it and gave her a quick cut to the jaw. Stunned, she slumped into his arms. Liv pulled up and jumped out.

" What happened?" She asked.

" I grabbed her arm and I think she flashed back to the rape. She started screaming and throwing punches. I finally had to hit her. Damn, I've never had to hit a woman before. That is not something I want to repeat." Olivia could see that Elliot was really upset about having to hit a woman.

"You didn't have a choice, El. If she'd kept fighting she could have made her injuries worse. Come on, I'll drive, you sit in the back with her." Olivia dialed Cragen on her cell as they moved into traffic.

"Cragen."

"We found her at the bar, Captain. She's had quite a few. She tried to throw down with Elliot and then passed out. We're taking her to your place."

"Thanks, Olivia. I'll meet you there, are you sure she doesn't need a doctor?"

"No Captain, just a few too many and a scuffle with Elliot. He had to clip her to get control of her. She's out cold. You might want to call San Francisco and find out what happened. I think she quit and she said something about her partner killing him-self and that she's to blame. Might want to get Huang to talk to her, when she sobers up."

-THIRTY MINUTES LATER.

When they pulled up at Don's, Becca still wasn't steady on her feet, so Elliot carried her in and put her on the couch.

"Thanks Elliot. You two want to grab some coffee in the kitchen? Oh, and Elliot you might want to get some ice for that eye." Don covered Becca with a blanket.

"Oh man, what hit me?" Becca mumbled.

"Ah, that would be me." Elliot said "Sorry."

"Christ, my jaw hurts." She suddenly looked green and tried to get up. Stabler grabbed her and hustled her to the bathroom just in time.

Elliot came into the kitchen a few minutes later. "Well, she'll probably start sobering up, lost everything but her toenails. She's washing up."

"What did she say to you at the bar." Cragen looked exhausted. He reached into the freezer and handed Elliot an ice pack.

"Well she was pretty wasted when we got there, Captain. All we got is what I told you on the phone." Olivia answered.

"Okay, this is what I got from her chief. Ben Wyke, her partner, put one in his mouth three weeks ago last Saturday. The funeral was the following Tuesday. When the captain came in on Wednesday, he found Becca's badge, key to her gun locker and her resignation on his desk. No one there has seen her since the graveside service. Her apartment was empty, most of her stuff was still there, the rent was paid through next month .She had also cleaned out all her accounts. They've been looking for her since."

He poured a cup of coffee and sat down. "She and her partner were in a shooting late last month. Perp got away but the kid he snatched and a neighbor were killed. Both of them were cleared by IAB. They were still on leave pending psych evaluation. Becca's appointment was supposed to be the Wednesday she disappeared. The shrink saw Wyke the day before he killed himself; he was recommended for permanent reassignment to a desk. Her captain is overnighting a letter that was delivered to Becca's desk the day after the funeral. Handwriting on the envelope was recognized as Wyke's. He probably mailed it just before he did himself. I've called Huang. He's on his way over. I thought maybe he could get her talking."

"Any word from Fin and Munch, Cap?" Olivia asked.

"Fin called, they tracked down Grimaldi, the cabbie. He was attacked at a diner 45 minutes before Becca's plane touched down. EMS confirms he was found in the bathroom with a dent in his skull. The lab called with the preliminary results on the rape kit, semen and traces of latex, the doer's condom broke."

"Oh shit." Becca said from the doorway. "That's all I needed to hear. My luck the guy has AIDS. Jesus, my life is a train wreck."

She sank to the floor and dropped her head into her hands, her shoulders shaking. Don walked over, knelt down and put his hand on her shoulder.

"We'll get him, baby. Don't cry." She looked up at him, a wild crazed grin on her face.

"Cry, Cappie? Shit, this is a farce. You should laugh. I am. Leave 'em laughing or leave 'em wondering what the hell you meant. Well I'm laughing and I still wanta know, what the hell does it all mean?" Her bitter laugh filled the silent room. "Oh, come on guys don't you get the joke. The best thing that happened to me in the last three weeks is getting raped. It's fucking hilarious." She began to laugh again, sounding increasingly hysterical.

"Becca? Becca!" Cragen slapped her, cutting off the bitter, angry sound. "Enough! You want to wallow? Do it after you explain yourself." Don sounded like a father dressing down a teenager for coming home after curfew. "Why didn't you call me?" His voice softened. "I'd have met your plane."

She seemed calmer when she answered him. "I wasn't coming home, Cappie, I was running, I wanted to get lost, just stay in the wind. I just came to visit Mom and Dad's graves. If I hadn't gotten raped you wouldn't have seen me. I didn't wanna drag anyone else down with me."

"Becca, I'm not just anyone. I'm your godfather. I've taken care of you since you were six. You're supposed to come me with the good stuff, and the bad stuff, especially the bad. There's nothing that we can't deal with together." He held her hand.

"Some things can't be fixed, Cappie. I think I'm one of them. I don't know if anyone should even try."

Cragen pulled her close and hugged her. "Promise me something, Becca? Don't do anything without talking to George Huang first. He's a psychiatrist we work with. And no more drinking binges, young lady, okay." She reached up and put her arms around him.

"For you, Cappie, okay. No more binges, besides I think I've developed the world's fastest turn around time on hangovers. You got any aspirin. My head feels like Vesuvius."

Cragen handed her a bottle from the counter as the doorbell rang. While he was answering the door, Becca got up from the floor and sat at the table, rubbing her jaw.

" You got a hell of a punch, man." She said to Stabler. " If you pulled it, remind me not to piss you off. And if you didn't pull it, you hit like a girl."

Elliot laughed. "You've got a mean swing yourself. Pretty good moves too, for a drunk. We should work out together sometime."

"Yeah I could use somebody to go full out with. Look, I really need to apologize to the both of you. I'm not usually a drunken psycho bitch with a bad attitude. Most of the time I'm a sober psycho bitch. I kind of remember going off on you verbally and physically. Sorry."

"Hey, everybody loses it sometimes. With what you've been through it's no wonder you got a little crazy." Olivia smiled at her.

"Stupid is more like it. I don't usually try to take on someone twice my weight."

"You said something at the hospital about crossing the line?" Olivia asked.

"Nice interrogation technique, Detective. Slip in the tough one while they're reeling, the better to get a straight answer. No point in keeping it secret any longer anyway. The truth can't hurt Ben and my career is done. Ben and I were sleeping together, had been for almost a year. So, there it is, we crossed the line, screwed up, then he offed himself, end if story."

Cragen came back in with Huang. "Inspector Rebecca Swan, this is Dr. George Huang, psychiatrist."

"Jeeze, Cappie, shrinking me already. Give a girl a chance to sober up first. I'd at least like a shot at evading the issues."

"I have a feeling evasion is not your usual tactic, Inspector." Huang smiled at her.

"Not really, I tend to bulldoze right to the heart of things."

"No wonder you deal so well with Detective Stabler, Don. You lived with the same personality type for years."

"Hey, I don't know if I've just been insulted or complimented." Elliot laughed.

"Take it as a compliment, Stabler, I get good results with the bulldozer." Becca stood and shook Haung's hand. "Well, Doctor, there's no time like the present. Let the torture begin. This way."

As they started out of the kitchen, Don called after her. "Becca, when was the last time you ate?"

She came over and kissed him on the cheek. "I can always count on you to be a Jewish mother, Cappie. Order some Chinese will you? I'll eat after I talk the lead ball out of my stomach."

TBC

A/N- Well, whaddaya think. Any input is welcome.


	3. The Dam Begins To Break

.Disclaimer- Not mine but I love to borrow. Becca is of course mine.

Author's Note- If I wrote this well enough some of you may not want to read it. The violence and language are a bit much, so be warned. To those who expressed doubts about Becca's reaction to the rape. Trust me she is seriously mess up on several levels.

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CRAGEN"S STUDY

As Becca and Huang entered the study she said, "Just don't expect me to use the couch, I don't like clichés."

"Nor do I, Inspector." Huang smiled.

"Just Becca or Bec. Besides I quit the force, so I'm not an Inspector anymore."

"I'm sure like every other officer, your job became your identity. So even without the badge, you still think of yourself as Inspector Swan."

"Yeah, I guess so, Doc. I hope you're not like the shrinks the department has in Frisco. All they do is sit there and say 'I see' and 'How do you feel about that'."

"I see and how do you feel about that?" Huang laughed as she launched a pillow at him.

"Jesus, Doc, I like you. You're a smart ass like me." She deflated into a chair. "So where do we start. I mean you know the job and everything it entails so we don't need the preliminaries."

"Why don't you start wherever you feel comfortable, Becca."

"Okay, I guess it starts with the case. About eighteen months ago, my partner Ben Wyke and I caught a case with a real sicko perp. Psycho bastard was snatching little boys between 7 and 9 years old. He'd hold 'em five to ten days then dump them in water. Autopsy report said sodomy and post mortem castration, death by asphyxiation. Genitals were never found."

"So he was taking trophies." Huang observed with his usual demeanor of calm detachment.

"Yeah, that's the way we had him figured. Ben and I got command of the task force that was formed when the brass decided the heat from the press wasn't going away, figured we knew the case best. We had caught the first two Vics. Ben insisted on second chair, he was always doing that, pushing me out front. The smart ass would make noises like it the best position for checking out my ass, but he wanted the brass to notice me. Ben had been looking out for me since we met at the academy. He was my self-defense instructor. I found out later, he pushed for my gold shield and my assignment to sex crimes unit. My first partner was major asshole. He harassed me from day one, until one night, after about a year he cornered me in the shower at the PD gym, started feeling me up. So I broke his arm and his nose. Next day he transferred and a week later, Ben became my new partner. His request. Ben's first partner had become police chief, so he had serious juice. The parachute was definitely gold."

"How long were you partners."

"Eight years. I made Inspector at twenty-seven, youngest ever, only four years on the force. I 'saved' the chief Inspector's daughter from a mugging one night when I was still a uniform and after that things fell into place. Course the kid who tried to mug her was a wimp, she screamed, he ran, I caught him at the corner. Unfortunately the way I got the 'in' made the other guys on the unit take me for an affirmative action case."

"So you worked that much harder to prove that you deserved the gold shield. That must have added another level of stress to the job. Tell me more about the case."

"We had tracked this guy through 10 months and 5 Vics. He was slick, no fluids, no hair, just industrial carpet fibers on the Vics that we traced to about 800 buildings in 'Frisco proper alone. And like I said, he dumped them in water. Then about 8 months ago he starts sending me notes. Real psycho stuff, like how he would like me to watch him play with one of his 'lovers' as he called his Vics. How much he liked what I wore the day before, what I looked like at the gym, sick shit to let me know he was watching me. Not really surprising, the press liaison insisted I do at least one of the updates each week, so at first we figure him for some nut job hung up on the cop he sees on TV, in need of a shrink, but then the notes later contained information we hadn't released. We were pretty confidant it was the doer. Ben started insisting on driving me home, picking me up. He started sleeping on my couch after the perp left dead roses on my bed, the day we found victim six."

"The killer connected with you. It was no longer just about the victims anymore, it was about you also." Huang said.

"That's what our profiler said. I asked to be taken off the case but headquarters thought I was the best chance to catch the guy. So there I was, strung out on this case, the perp dogging me, and my partner mother henning me at every turn. One night at my apartment, Ben cracked wise one too many times about my love life and so I started trying to kick his ass. Not a smart move when your opponent is the department martial arts expert and outweighs you by 100 pounds. We wrestled around for about ten minutes and then suddenly I kissed him. I'd never thought of Ben in a sexual context and suddenly we were all over each other. I figured it was just a stress relief fuck, but the next morning when he walked into the kitchen and put his arms around me, it was like.. Jesus, it was like coming home. I didn't just sleep with my partner. I fell in love with him. He was a gruff, ill-tempered old bastard, with a face like granite and I was in love. Do you know, I never told him? It was like an unwritten rule with us. We never talked about love. We never made plans. Outside the apartment, it was like we had never crossed that line, we were still just partners. But when we closed that door, we were a couple. I connected with Ben on a level I've never known before. The intimacy went way beyond the sex. I never had to explain anything to him he just got it, he saw inside me. He knew me like no one else ever has."

She stared out the window and then she got up and began to pace. "Anyway, last month the perp snatched kid number 9. But he got careless, left some of his own blood at the scene. Unfortunately, he wasn't in the system. So we had a DNA profile we couldn't match and a kid with 5-10 days to live. Ben and I went four days without sleep. Then day five, we got a tip; a woman reported her neighbor had a kid with him that fit our Vic's description. Ben and I took off for the address, with backup of course. When we got there we heard shots from the house. We broke down the door and exchanged fire with the guy, but he managed to get away. We found the kid and the neighbor dead in the bedroom. Kid's genitals were on the floor beside him, with a note wrapped around them. It was addressed to me. He wrote that it was his gift to me, to prove his love. Owen Carson was one sick, sadistic fuck and he's still out there somewhere."

"You feel responsible for him getting away." Becca didn't notice that Huang was making a statement rather than asking a question. "Tell me about the rape, Becca."

"Not much to tell, I woke up in the back of a cab with a knife at my throat and the bastard's hand up my shirt. Happens everyday to someone, somewhere. No more or less than I deserved." She said the last as though she were speaking only to herself.

"You feel you deserved it, why?"

She gave him a 'go to hell' look. "No one deserves it, Doc. You know that as well as I do. So what the fuck is your point?"

"You just said it was no more or less than you deserved, why?"

"I never said that!" Becca denied vehemently.

"Becca, you didn't deserve to be punished for sleeping with your partner." Huang felt it was time to push the issue, to shake her from 'cop' mode and make her reconnect with the emotions she was trying so hard to suppress.

"I know that, it's not about sleeping with Ben. That doesn't make me feel guilty; not having his back does. I should have broken down his door; made him talk to me, made him listen. Instead I got pissed at my lover, I wasn't thinking like a partner, I was thinking like a girlfriend." Becca's voice was strained as she tried to hold on to the small amount of control she had left. "Christ, why didn't the asshole just finish it?" Becca whispered the question to the ceiling.

"Finish what, Becca?" Huang felt she was close to letting the control go. "He had the knife at my throat, why didn't he just use it?"

"You wanted the rapist to kill you, why?"

"At least the dream would stop." She wasn't really speaking to Huang anymore. His questions were only prompts to the conversation with herself.

"What dream?" George asked softly.

"Ben's talking to me and he's holding out his hands and I reach for him. But he puts the kid in my arms and he's all bloody and cold and he asks me why, why didn't I stop Carson? Then Ben asks me why I slept with Mitch. Then Carson's standing behind me and Ben's on a table and I've got Carson's knife. Carson puts his hand over mine and we start cutting Ben. There's blood everywhere and Ben just keeps saying he loves me and Carson's telling me to show Ben how much I love him. Ben has his gun and I tell him to shoot. Just shoot the bastard now! And Ben shoots me, but the bullet goes through like I'm not there and I keep cutting and screaming at him to shoot. Then he turns the gun on himself and I feel the bullet. So now I'm on the table and Ben's got the knife and I feel everything. Ben kisses me and we in bed making love and it's so good. I reach up to kiss him as I come but it's not Ben, it's Carson and his knife is inside me. That's when I wake up screaming."

"How long have you been having this dream, Becca?"

"Since Ben killed himself. Before that I dreamed about the kid. But I always dream about the Vics, when they're kids."

"Why did you use the knife on Ben in the dream?" Huang quietly moved closer to the door, feeling she might try to physically run from the pain she was dredging up.

"I wanted him to hurt. I wanted to hurt him the way he hurt me." Becca turned toward the window.

"How did Ben hurt you? What did he do?"

"He shut me out he wouldn't talk to me."

"What didn't he want to talk about?" George asked.

She let out a shaky slow breath, then inhaled as if she were trying to take in the courage to speak instead of air.

"We both got administrative leave, until psych could clear us. Ben saw the shrink on Friday and went home to his place. He didn't call or come over so I went to see him on Saturday morning. He wouldn't let me in or even open the door. I was so pissed. I went home and when Mitch Evans, one of the guys I went to the academy with called and asked me out, I said yes. I did it to get back at Ben for shutting me out. I got to the Mitch's apartment that night and we never even made it out the door, I jumped him as soon as I got inside." Becca stopped in front of the window, shaking, her fists clenched. Her voice was tight and bleak.

"I went to Ben's Sunday morning to confront him, to rub his nose in every graphic detail. When I got there, there were units and a meat wagon. I flashed my badge as I ran inside. There he was, slumped on the couch, blood everywhere and the back of his head splattered on the wall. The son of a bitch left me alone! He coped out on me! No note, no explanation, he just put his Glock in his mouth and…"

Her eyes were open wide. She stopped trembling and suddenly slammed her fist through the window and stood, blood dripping from her hand, screaming, tears streaming down her face. Huang pulled her into his arms and held her. He backed up to the couch and sat down, pulling her down beside him, putting pressure on the cut.

Elliot came into the room almost before the sound of breaking glass died away. Don and Olivia were close behind him. When Don saw the blood he headed for the bathroom coming back with a first aid kit. Elliot took George's place beside Becca, comforting her while George bandaged the cut.

For several minutes, no one spoke. The only sounds were Elliot's murmuring and Becca's agonizing, heart-wrenching sobs. After the bandage was taped, Huang motioned Don and Olivia out of the room.

They entered the kitchen and Huang poured himself some coffee. Don looked haggard.

"God, George, how do I help her with this? She's right, it is a train wreck."

"She'll do the work on her own, Don. She made a major break through tonight. She expressed her anger at her partner. The hardest thing for a person in the grief process to do is express anger at a loved one for dying. Add to that anger, her guilt feelings about the child and not stopping her partner and she has a lot to deal with."

"But the kid wasn't her fault and her partner wouldn't even see her." Olivia protested.

"How often do you agonize over the ones you couldn't save, Olivia? Better yet, ask Elliot about Ray Bevins, there is a prime example of feelings of guilt for failing to save someone from himself or herself. I think of all of us, Elliot can best understand what Becca is going through."

"You're right, George." Elliot leaned against the doorjamb. "She's asleep. I put her in the bedroom across from the study, Don."

"Thanks, Elliot. So George, what now?"

"Let her sleep as long as she can, but she shouldn't be alone. I don't believe she's suicidal, but she is very fragile emotionally at the moment. Whoever's with her should just listen if she wants to talk. Prompt her gently but don't push. Any pushing at this point could send her over the edge."

"Don, I'll stay tonight so you can sleep." Elliot volunteered.

"I'll set her up a therapy schedule tomorrow." George said. "It won't be easy but once she begins to process her anger, she'll be better able to deal with things. She's quite tough, actually."

"What about the rape? We have to question her again." Olivia asked.

"Amazingly enough that is probably a safe topic." Huang answered.

"Safe?" Olivia was shocked "How can that be a safe subject?"

"With all the emotional trauma Becca has already experienced, the rape is almost a minor issue for her right now. What I mean by tough is that on the rape issue she has already dealt with the possibility. Like all of us there are certain shocks she is mentally prepared for and others she is not. She has dealt with sexually based crimes for eight years. The trauma of rape and its aftermath are known quantities for her, although not on a personal level until now. This allows her to understand the very things that rape victims have the most difficulty dealing with. The usual guilt feelings are not there, she knows that she did not 'invite or entice' the rapist. Questioning of sexuality is not an issue, she is fully aware that it is a crime of violence. The slowness of the judicial system is also a known factor. I believe she will handle the aftermath comparatively well. But she probably won't truly begin to deal with it until she has dealt with the issues that she had before the attack. That is provided we can help her deal with those more immediate emotional concerns."

"How can I help her?" Cragen asked.

"Captain, it's a case of 'we', not just you. You've been there for us, we're here for you." Olivia put an arm around Cragen, as Elliot nodded his agreement.

"We're here for you, Cap." He said.

"Thank you both." Don hugged Olivia with one arm and reached over to put a hand on Elliot's shoulder. "So what do 'we' do now, George?"

"The best thing right now is to be there, listen. Don't guide the conversation let her do that. Just hear what she needs to say. No pushing on the subject of her partner. She's traversing an emotional mine field right now, push in the wrong direction and things could explode."

"On that note, I'm calling for take out. Chinese okay with everyone?" They all nodded.

THREE A.M.

Becca woke with a gasp and sat up heart pounding. Looking around she remembered where she was. She got out of bed and headed for the kitchen. Stabler sat at the table staring into a cup.

"You know, that's what I hate about those things, you have to watch them every second." She grinned at him.

"So you finally decided to surface huh. Want some coffee?" He got up to get another.

"Oh yeah, caffeine the drug of choice. Anything to eat around here, I'm starved."

"Don ordered you moo goo gai pan."

"Yum, Cappie knows my weakness. So what are you still doing here?" She grabbed the take out and shoved it in the microwave.

"Huang didn't think you should be alone and Don looked like he'd gone a round with Tyson, so I volunteered to stay."

"I'm not gonna off myself, not anymore. I may be crazy but I'm not a wimp. I go out, I want it to count for something. Ben wimped out, he couldn't hack it. You know that's what I don't get, Ben's the last guy I'd figure to eat it. He might have hated the idea of a desk but, I can't believe he'd kill himself over it." The bell rang and she brought the plate to the table. Elliot handed her a coffee and sat back down.

"Maybe guilt over losing the kid?"

"We didn't lose the kid. We never had him." She shook her head. "No, it doesn't ring true. I just don't get it. What kept him from talking to me, telling me, I don't know, anything. Goodbye, kiss my ass, anything. It was so not Ben. He talked shit to death. Used to drive me nuts, analyzing shit, himself, Vics, our perps and me. Damn man was a fucking shrink at heart. No way it makes sense for him to do himself." She attacked the plate like a ravenous wolf.

"Sometimes there isn't a reason or an explanation. Sometimes things just crash on you like a wave and you're caught in the undertow." Elliot observed.

"Been there, done that. Ben pulled me up once. Saved my ass from eating one."

"So that's what you meant by 'not anymore'." Elliot said. Becca finished the food and pushed the plate back, lit a cigarette and stared at the ceiling.

"There was a time I was right on the edge, foot in the air for the last step. Have you ever been that close, Elliot?"

He shook his head. "Close but not that close."

She sat quietly for a minute, smoking. When she spoke, her voice was low and intense. She seemed to be talking to herself.

" It can be seductive. Looking out at oblivion. You sit there in the dark and there's your gun. You're thinking about all the shit you have to see, thinking about transferring or quitting. But you know you can't unsee, you can go to another unit, even stop being a cop but it won't make it end, you'll carry all of them, forever. Every victim you couldn't save. Every one that was dead or damaged before you got there. You can't go back any more than the Vic can be unraped. So you pick up your piece and you hold it. Caress it like a lover. The cool metal feels comforting against your skin when you're that far gone. You close your eyes and put the gun in your mouth and it's so quiet in the house. You hear your breathing like a roaring tornado. You taste the gun oil, bitter but sweet too. You got everything ready, note written, paid all your bills, will on file at the lawyer's office. The next step would be so easy. No more pain, no more anger, no more seeing."

She took another draw. Her eyes focused on Stabler, who was watching her intently. "Fortunately, I had a partner who knew how much I could take. He had a feeling the little girl we found raped and murdered that morning was one too many. He didn't even knock, just used his key, I didn't hear him come in. Next thing I know the gun is out of my hand and Ben is holding me. Telling me if I do it he'll bring me back so he can shoot me himself. I did the shrink thing for two years after that, it helped. I'm not that person now. I still walk the edge; you can't help it in our job. It's either, take it in or become cold, dead inside. Me, I take it in, sometimes too deep. But the drop no longer looks inviting."

She took another draw. "You know what really turned that tide. Ben. He told me that going down in the line of duty or living to retire was the only thing that could stop the pain. Any other way and you had eternity to explain to the ones that you weren't around to save why you weren't there. He knew me so well. Knew just what could pull me back. I couldn't turn away. I couldn't leave the job undone. No matter the cost, no matter the sacrifice, I had to do the job. To protect and to serve. I guess it sounds corny to some, but that shit means a lot to me." Becca downed the last of her coffee and put out the cigarette.

"You play poker, Stabler?" She smiled as if she hadn't just been describing her own attempted suicide.

"Yeah."

"Well find the deck, cause I'm gonna spank your ass like a child."

"I only play for money."

"Show me the color, stud. Cause I got an itch to lighten your wallet."

"Think you can play with the big boys, little girl."

"Watch and learn, babe. Momma's gonna school ya. Hey, does Cappie still smoke cigars?"

"Occasionally, why?"

"Cause I'm snatching one. You want?"

"No thanks I gave up the habit."

"Pity we don't have some scotch. I got a twenty year old bottle in my stuff, but I left it all in a locker at JFK."

"Where you were running to, Becca?"

"Don't know, wherever the wind took me, maybe Majorca, Rio, hell maybe just New Jersey, anywhere that wasn't where I was I guess. But you know what they say."

"Wherever you go, there you are." The two said in unison and started laughing.

Don came into the kitchen smiling at them. "Do I need to separate you two to get the noise level down?"

"Sorry Dad, we'll be good." Elliot mimed a pout. "Want to join us for some poker, Cap?"

"No way! I've played this girl before; she's brutal and relentless. Don't count on having anything left in your wallet when the game's over."

"Who me?" Becca batted her eyes at both men innocently. "Now a jack is better than an ace, right?"

"I'm warning you, Elliot, that sweet innocent face hides a true card sharp. We kicked her out of the weekly game when she was twenty. The last time I played with her it was penny ante and she took me for twenty bucks."

"Ooh! Spanked, big time. I think I can take her, Cap. She don't look so tough to me."

"Famous last words, Stabler. Just don't ask me to buy you lunch the rest of the week." Cragen sat down. "This I have to see."

"Cappie, where are the cigars?" Becca asked.

"In the study, humidor on the desk. Becca, ladies shouldn't smoke those."

"Oh Cappie you are so Victorian sometimes. Besides I'm no lady I'm a cop." She left to get the smoke.

"Anything?" Cragen asked after she was out of sight.

"Something Huang might find interesting, but later, Cap." Elliot said.

Becca came back in the room with a lit cigar and a tray of poker chips. She took the deck from Elliot and shuffled. "Let the carnage commence. Five card stud nothing wild. And I'll go easy on you, Stabler. Penny ante and we settle for half. I figure you won't lose more than ten bucks. After all, I wouldn't want you to go hungry."

FIVE A.M.  
Elliot threw down his hand. "I fold. That's it for me, I've got to go home and get dressed for work. What do I owe you?"

Becca looked up with a twinkle in her eye. "Twelve fifty. I could carry you till Friday night and play you again."

"Invite Fin, Munch, and Olivia to play too. It would be worth losing again to watch you take down Munch."

Cragen stood. "I have to get ready for work. Becca, you want to go out for breakfast?"  
"Well unless you've turned into a total bachelor with nothing in the fridge, I'll cook while you shower. Coffee, omelet, toast, and hash browns. Want to join us, Stabler?"

"Sure why not."

Don stopped in the doorway. "You're trying to fatten me up, Becca. Or is it butter me up."

"Well I'd really like to borrow the car, Dad." She wheedled like a teenager. "Seriously, I need to go out to JFK and get my bags. That is if you and Doc will let me out by myself."

"You could ride out with Olivia and I, we have to go check out your 'hack'. See if anyone at the cabstands recognizes the description. He may have gone trolling for another Vic." Elliot said.

Becca's eyes lit up, Don recognized the look. "No police work for you young lady, you are not NYPD. "

"Yes sir, Captain." She mocked a salute then pouted. "You know how much I love chasing scumbags. You never let me have any fun."

TBC


	4. Deluge Begins

Disclaimer- We all know to whom they belong, I can only claim Becca.

Author's Note- Thank you to everyone who has reviewed so far and to those who haven't, please do so. I'd love to know what you think.

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Becca sat on the stairs leading to the crib, nursing a cup of coffee and waiting to catch a ride to the airport. She listened as Munch expounded on his current, favorite Big Brother theory. It reminded her of slow days in her own squad's bullpen. Just hanging out, working on old files and bullshitting each other.

_Munch sounds just like Marcosi, going on about the big one that was going to drop the coast into the Pacific. God, I miss jerking Tony's chain, wonder if I can pull the same shit on Munch._

"I'm telling you, it's just like the Kennedy assassination. The CIA was in the murders of Jack and Bobby up to their proverbial necks." John ranted.

"You have that wrong, Detective." Becca interjected. "It wasn't the CIA that got JFK, it was the Russians and Castro. Bobby was hit on orders of Jimmy Hoffa and then the Kennedys had Hoffa disappeared in retaliation. It's all in the FBI's secret files. But Big Brother definitely knew what was going to go down ahead of time."

As John moved closer to trade theories with Becca and Fin picked up the newspaper to help him ignore them, Olivia laughed and looked at Cragen and Elliot. "Do you think the world can stand two Munches?"

"Oh she could care less about John's theories. Becca has just always loved an argument. She should have become a lawyer. As a kid she would debate anything." Cragen smiled over at Becca, who was arguing the probability of JFK Jr.'s plane crash being the result of a mob hit. "I'm sending Munch and Fin out to JFK, Becca can ride with them. Elliot, Haung will be here soon, I want you to tell him whatever she told you last night."

"No problem, Cap." Elliot said. "You want a rundown on it?"

"Yeah, in a minute. Munch, Fin." He motioned the two over. "I want you two to take a ride over to JFK, see if the perp tried to pick anyone else up. Becca, you ride with them and get your bags."

"Sure thing, Captain." Fin answered and looked at Munch and Becca. "Any conspiracy bullshit in the car and I'll dump your asses on the Parkway."

"Geez, is he always a grouch or should someone suggest decaf?" Becca asked Munch as they headed out the door.

"Don't ask me, I always get the partners with attitudes." Munch said.

"Maybe cause they all got tired of that FBI/CIA crap you're always comin' out with." Fin fired back as he followed them.

"Okay, let's take this in my office." Cragen said. As they settled in Dr. Huang arrived. Don motioned him into the office.

"George, Becca spoke with Elliot last night."

"Basically, she's been seeing a shrink in 'Frisco for a couple of years. Seems she tried to kill herself and her partner stopped her." Elliot began. Huang sat silently as Elliot went over his conversation with Becca.

"Do you think she's in danger of trying it again, George?" Cragen asked.

"I'll need to talk to her therapist. But given how tightlipped she seems to be, I'd say if she were considering suicide now, she wouldn't have brought up the first attempt." Huang answered. "I still don't think she should be alone for now. When she returns, please ask her to call me at my office, Don. I want to schedule a session with her this afternoon."

The shrink stopped at the door and turned toward Stabler. "It seems that she feels comfortable talking to you, Elliot. See if you can draw her out more."

"I'm no shrink, Doc." Stabler said.

"You don't need to be, Becca needs a friend as well as a shrink." George responded. "She has connected with you, I doubt she would have been as forthcoming about the suicide with me. Just keep her talking, she'll tell us everything we need, if we give her the opportunity."

Huang looked speculatively at Elliot for a moment. "You're closer to a psychiatrist than you think, Elliot. What do you do in an interrogation? Give the suspect a reason to want to talk to you. Do the same with her, although she'll probably be easier than the suspect would. She already wants to talk to you."

"I'll have her call as soon as they get back. Thanks, George." Don said.

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A/N- Tell me what you think. Just use the little button and express yourself.


	5. Riding The Crest Of The Flood

Title- Turn And Face The Stranger

Disclaimer- If I had a genie maybe they'd be mine, but so far no magic lamp.

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Becca loaded her bags in the trunk of the unmarked unit and waited for Munch and Fin to finish questioning the hacks at the last stand. As she sat on the trunk, her cell rang.

"Swann, talk to me." She answered.

"Hello, Rebecca." A deep voice she didn't recognize said. "I'm sorry you've had a rough few weeks."

"Who is this?" Becca demanded. "How did you get this number?"

"Rebecca, don't you realize that I know everything about you. You and I have a connection that transcends all barriers." The voice explained smoothly. "We've shared the ultimate expression of love. I know you found my gift. I didn't have time to properly prepare him for you, but I'll make it up to you. The next one will be a masterpiece, you'll know the depth of my feelings when you see him."

Beeca suddenly realized whom she was speaking to. "Carson." She hissed. "There's no point in preparing anything for me. I'm not in 'Frisco anymore."

"I know, my darling. But trying to hide from me only whetted my appetite. I've enjoyed you playing hard to get, but it's time for the game to end. By the way my newest gift is in Central Park at the boathouse. I believe the police have already found it." The line went dead.

"Carson." Becca said uselessly. She motioned for Fin and Munch who were walking toward the car. "Son of a bitch! Guys we need to get to the Central Park Boathouse, now." The two NYPD detectives traded a look, wondering if the Captain's goddaughter had finally cracked. "That piece of shit I was tracking in 'Frisco is here. He's dumped a dead kid in the Park."

"And you know this how?" Munch asked.

"He just called me on my cell, he knows I'm here." Becca said climbing into the car. "Let's move."

**Central Park Boathouse**

When they arrived on the scene, Elliot, Liv and Cragen were talking with Warner. As they walked up, Becca heard the ME speculating on the cause of death.

"You'll find it was ligature strangulation. He uses common twine and the genitals were removed post mortem. The kid was sodomized repeatedly and has been missing at least five days." Becca told the ME, who shot a hard, questioning look at her.

"Inspector Swann, San Francisco PD." Becca introduced herself. "Your perp was recently working in 'Frisco. I'll have copies of our ME's reports on his victims faxed to you."

Becca turned to Cragen. "It's Owen Carson, Cappie. He called my cell and told me where he dumped the kid. I want in."

"Becca you're not NYPD, you're not even SFPD anymore. You can't investigate, but I could use your input." Cragen told her.

"I'll get my chief to reinstate me and then I can be liaison to your department. Carson's mine and one way or another I'm going to get him. You let me in or I go it alone, your choice." Cragen could tell Becca wasn't going to let it go.

Don pulled her to the side. "Haven't you got enough to deal with already, Becca?" He saw the stubborn, determined look in her eyes. "Fine, if your chief gives you back your shield and Huang will okay it, you're in." He grabbed her arm. "But you play it by the book. Go off on your own or even breath in a non-regulation manner and I'll throw your ass on the next plane. Understood?"

"Understood, Captain." Becca answered. "I'll call Chief Vasquez right now." She started dialing while Cragen turned back to the investigation.

Several minutes later, Becca found him. "Captain, the chief is coordinating with 1PP and Dr Huang has given a provisional okay. He says the only requirement he has is that I meet with him once a day, sir." Becca was all business. "Vasquez is having copies of all our files shipped over night as we speak."

"Very well Inspector. You and I will head back to the precinct and start getting things going. You'll coordinate information for now." Becca's eyes flashed. "Once we get the task force rolling, you can get you hands dirty."

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A/N- Well guys you know what to do, read and review please. I'd really like to know what you think of this one.


	6. Secrets Revealed

Disclaimer- I can only claim Becca and the other insert characters. All the rest belong to Dick Wolf.

Author's Note- I've had some really nice reviews on this one, but I'm basically greedy, so if you'd kindly review, I'd appreciate it.

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When Liv and Elliot got back to the station, Cragen told them they'd be lead investigators on the Carson case. He asked them to track down Becca and decide when to start the preliminary briefing. Elliot checked the crib and roof while Liv headed to the restroom. When she opened the door there was the distinctive sound of someone retching.

"That you, Becca?" Olivia asked.

"Gimme a minute." Becca answered from inside the stall. She came out shortly, pale and sweating.

"You okay?" Liv asked.

"Yeah, just my usual response." Becca splashed water on her face and avoided looking in the mirror. "I always throw up the first time I see the vic's corpse when it's a kid. Thank God Ben was the only one on the squad who ever saw me do it. The rest of the guys gave me enough hell as it was." She turned to face Liv. "You know how it is. The only woman on a squad and men will be boys, won't they?"

"Absolutely. How many were on your squad, Becca?" Liv asked.

"Thirty-five, but we were centralized, so 'bout the same as the five boroughs. Why were you looking for me?" Becca dried her hands and started for the door.

"Captain wants Elliot and I to take the lead slots on this case. How long before you can be ready to do a briefing?" Olivia wondered if the woman was going to be able to handle the pressure. She'd already cracked once; a second time wouldn't be out of the question.

Becca saw the speculative, doubting look in the NYPD detective's eyes. "I'll hold it together as long as I need to, Benson. I will get Carson. This is personal now and the bastard isn't going to get away from me." Becca's eyes were cold when she spoke the perp's name. Cold, but sane.

"We got a fax from your unit." Liv let the comments slide. "We can start in a half hour, if you're ready."

"Let me go over my notes, they're in my bag. I can probably be ready in an hour to give you a full briefing, since everything in the case file is in my notes or Ben's. His notebooks were at my place along with mine." Becca bit her lip and went on. "I grabbed them when I was packing."

"You know, Becca. If you want to talk sometime, I'll listen. Shrinks don't always seem approachable." Liv offered.

"Yeah and Stabler's a nice guy, but some things you just need another woman to hear." Becca said. "Thanks, Olivia. I'd like to talk about Ben to someone who'd understand about falling for your partner." Liv's head came up quickly and she looked hard at Becca. "Sorry, was I not supposed to notice?"

Liv shrugged and suddenly Becca realized she put her foot into the middle of a secret. "He doesn't know, does he? Elliot, I mean. He has no clue how you feel. You need to tell him, Liv. 'Cause I'm here to tell you he feels the same way, it's written all over him."

Becca put a hand on Olivia's arm. "There's a lot about my life that's screwed up right now, but I don't regret one minute of the time I had with Ben. The only way I screwed up when it came to that relationship was in thinking like a girlfriend instead of a partner when he was hurting."

Becca's eyes clouded with tears. "Don't waste time, in our job any minute could be the last. Go for it, Liv. Grab on to every minute you can cause the only definite is that sooner or later one of you will be the first to go." She brushed the tears away. "Let's go catch us some scum."

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A/N- Well it's been a few days since I updated but I 'll try to get another chapter out to you in a couple of days. In the mean time, please review.


	7. Realization

Disclaimer- The show is not mine, mores the pity.

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Cragen motioned Becca over as she entered the bullpen. "Chief Vasquez faxed the ME reports and a timeline for Carson's San Francisco victims. I thought we'd do a preliminary briefing, and then you have a meeting with Dr. Huang." Don said.

"Yes Mother and I'll wash behind my ears too." Becca grinned. "Give me an hour and the only thing the briefing will lack is the photos. I have my case notes and Ben's with me."

"You can use the interview room. I'll have the team together and ready in one hour." Don put a hand on her arm. "Just remember, you don't need to prove yourself to these people, Rebecca. Don't push yourself over the edge to get this guy."

"I'm good Cappie. Nowhere near the edge yet." Becca shrugged off his concern and headed to the car to get her bags.

As she waited for the elevator, Fin came up the stairs with her bags in hand.

"Becca, I thought you might need these since it looks like we're here for a while." Fin handed her carryon over. "Where do you want the rest of these?"

"You saved me a trip to the car, I was just coming for them. Can you help me bring'em to the interview room?" Becca asked.

"No problem. We didn't get to talk much in the car." Fin said.

"No, 'cause I was to busy pulling your partner's chain." Becca smirked.

"First I thought you were into that crap too. Then I realized you were messing with his head. I'll admit the mob angle was a nice touch." Fin smiled as they headed through the bullpen to the interview room.

"Munch reminds me of a guy in my squad, Tony Marcosi, his personal twitch was earthquakes." Becca grinned at the memory of easier times. "He was convinced we were seconds away from the Big One and that the coast was gonna end up in the drink. Everybody tweaked him on it, but I could keep him going for hours."

"It doesn't take much to get my partner going on conspiracies. Drives me crazy most of the time but he's a good cop." Fin tapped the side of his head. "He's really got the stuff, you know."

"The twitchier they are, the better they are usually." Becca pushed open the door and put her carryon on the floor. "Marcosi was down right unreal."

"You need a hand in here?" Fin asked.

"If you could help me sort through these notebooks I'd love it. I'm looking for stuff dated from October 2003 till three weeks ago. Black covers my partner's, red's mine." Becca started pulling notebooks from the biggest suitcase. "I need them sorted by date. It'll take a few minutes, there's probably forty all together."

"Damn, I take eight or nine cases to fill one notebook." Fin whistled.

"Well, Ben's the reason, he got me in the habit of writing a novel on each case." Becca grinned. "But it means we can get a jumpstart on nailing Carson's nuts to the table." Her grin became almost feral.

"You're scary." Fin said jokingly and then became very serious. "Why this guy? Why's he so important to you? And don't give me that he's the bad guy or to save the kids bullshit. Somethin' on this one really twitched you down deep. I've been twitched like that before so I know it when I see it."

"Owen Carson hooked into me about six months into the case. Started sending me notes and after the sixth vic, he got into my apartment and put dead roses on my bed. He wants something from me and when I figure out what, I'll have the son of a bitch. I don't think it's going to take all that long either, I think I'm getting into his head now." Becca stared out the dirty window. "He followed me out of his territory and into mine. He just made his fatal error, I haven't lived here in 14 years, but this is my town. I just have to get him talking to me and the little prick is mine."

Becca repeated to herself. "He followed me, he followed me." She turned to Fin. "The son of a bitch wants me. He wants to play his twisted little game on me." She moved quickly out of the interview room and across the bullpen, grabbing her jacket off the coat rack.

Fin caught up to her by the elevator. "Where you going girl?" He grabbed her arm to turn her around. He'd been standing nearby when the Cap warned her about going off on her own.

"There's something I just realized. Carson chose the lake for a reason, he's sending me a message and if I can figure it out, I'll know where he is." Becca looked at Fin. "Are you coming or not?"

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A/N- Well guys, tell me what you think of Fin. Did I get him or completely mess the characterization up?


	8. Reading

Disclaimer- Consider yourselves disclaimed, again.

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Fin stopped Becca as the elevator doors opened.

"First, we talk to the Captain. I don't know how things run in your squad, but here, we clear stuff through Cragen."

Becca leaned against the wall and rubbed her eyes with the heels of her hands.

"You're right. Sorry, I guess I'm running three steps ahead of my self on this."

"You're running blind is what you're doing, girl and you're never going to catch him that way." Fin put a hand on her shoulder. "Don't let him wind you so tight you miss the clues. Sounds to me like this hump wants you to find him, so I'll bet he's left plenty. You gotta slow down to see them."

"You're right, Fin. Let's go get ready for this briefing. By the time we're done, the lab should have a head start on processing the evidence, and I can see how the dots connect." Becca smiled slightly. "If you ever decide to switch coasts, I could use you. Sometimes I get in to deep. Ben used to bust my balls on it." Her smile faded. "Guess I'll have to warn my new partner about that."

The two detectives headed back to the interview room. Fin helped Becca sort through the notebooks, and then left her to prepare for the briefing.

Becca sat with the case notebooks in front of her. She'd looked through her own, but hadn't yet brought herself to open Ben's. She stared at the cover of the first one; dated three days before Carson's first victim had been found. One finger traced the date on the cover as she braced herself to open it.

Ben's small, neat handwriting swam in front of her eyes. Tears threatened to fall as she pictured him scribbling away, intent on his thoughts. She was the only one who could decipher his notes, because she understood how his mind worked.

Becca turned the pages until she reached the page dated October 17, 2003. The date Carson entered their world; the day things began the insane downward spiral that led to Ben's death. A spiral that had yet to reach its end.


	9. Memory

Disclaimer- I promise I didn't buy them while you weren't looking.

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**OCTOBER 17, 2003**

Becca was just finishing her warm-up when her cell phone rang. She snatched it up from the bench where she'd dropped her things, and answered.

"Swann. This had better be good." She growled.

"You know Bec, most people can't tell the difference between regular and decaf." Ben teased.

"It's now legal to kill morning people, Wyke. You're cutting into my work out time, whaddaya want?"

Damn man knew how much she hated to miss a workout.

"No time to punch the bag this morning, Becca. We've got a partially nude body floating in the fountain at Duboce Park." Ben told her.

"On my way. Meet you there in twenty." Becca hung up pulling her jeans on over the unitard and grabbing her jacket as she headed out the door.

Eighteen minutes later, she pulled up at the park, and climbed out of her car as Wyke walked up the trail.

"How'd you know I was here already?" Becca asked as they turned together to walk to the scene.

"I could hear that bomb of yours a mile away. Hell, Swann, when you gonna get a real car?" Ben grinned down at her.

"You mean like that granny sedan of yours? Get real; the '68 Shelby Cobra is a primo example of American heavy metal. Face it, Wyke, my car has balls and you can't stand it."

"Jeez, Becca, why do you have to be such a guy? Aren't you ever feminine?"

"I can see me chasing down a perp in Prada pumps and a Ballenciaga." She snorted. "I'm no lipstick, Ben."

"You'd like everyone to think you're a dyke? Why is that? Scared some guy'll get close?" Ben loved to analyze her quirks.

"Just giving you a thrill, partner. I know how boring your life is." Becca spotted the taped off scene ahead and suddenly, playtime was over. "What've we got?" Her game face was on now.

Ben put out a hand to stop her. Just out of earshot was a crowd of people at the other end of the fountain.

"It's a kid, Becca." He warned her.

"Shit! Thanks for the heads up, Ben. I'm good." Becca took a deep breath.

It was bad enough when the victims were adults, but the kids haunted her dreams. She was going to be tenacious until they caught the perp, and if he didn't confess, she'd help him.

The victim floated face down in the fountain, clad only in a shirt. Becca looked over at the crime scene photographer. "You got all you need?" When she nodded, Becca told the ME's to bring him out.

They lifted the kid and laid him face up on the body bag. Everyone flinched as they caught sight of the kid's crotch. There was a bloody hole where his genitals should have been.

Becca stepped over and checked the body. He was a brunette about eight or nine. The shirt looked new and she reached a gloved hand out to check the tag.

"Ben, we got any missing kid alerts? I'm betting this one's been reported. He's wearing good stuff here, definitely not discount store crap."

The two detectives continued looking over the body, noting the bruises on the wrists and ankles. Ben leaned over and touched her hand, Becca raised an eyebrow to ask if he was done and he nodded.

"You can take him now." Becca told the ME's, and stood, pulling her gloves off.

"We got some luck on this one; guy from Airport Division found the body. He was out for his morning jog, called it in, and secured the scene." Ben told her. "He's over there. Kid's only been on the job six months."

Wyke pointed over to a group of uniforms standing with a guy in gray sweats.

"Did the uniforms turn up anything on area search?" Becca asked as they headed over to the reporting cop.

"Not even a pile of dog crap." Ben said.

"Well hell, just another beautiful day in the city by the bay." Becca groused. "Let's get the guy's statement, maybe he spotted something or someone."

After interviewing the very shaken young cop who'd found the body, Becca and Ben headed back to their cars. When the public bathroom came into view Becca stopped. "Gimme a minute." She said, and ducked into the john.

When she came out a few minutes later wiping her face, Ben was still waiting.

"Well there went my coffee. That girly enough for you, Ben? Delicate little lady blows chunks over a corpse."

"Come on, partner, I have trouble holding my cookies when it comes to the kids. Doesn't make you weak, just human." Ben put an arm over her shoulder. "Let's go write this up and grab a bagel while we wait for the ME."

"At least you manage to hold yours. I toss over every kid." Becca sighed.

"Cheer up, Bec, you only lose it the first time you see the corpse. At least it's over this time." Ben reminded her.

"Yeah Ben, but I getting real sick of there being a next time." She dug her keys out of her pocket. "Why can't the sickos at least confine themselves to adults?"

"You say that every time, Becca. You know you can't let it get to you." Ben looked at her. "When do you see your shrink again?"

"Thursday, but I'll call her when I get to the office, Mother." Becca grinned at him. "You want to get somebody started on the missing kid alerts or shall I?" She asked as they reached her car.

"I'll get it, you get the bagels and coffee." Ben said.

"You already owe me for two years worth, when you gonna pay up?" Becca ragged him.

"Hey, I always buy dinner." Ben protested.

"Yeah, well, next time it's steak, not a greasy spoon." Becca swung into her car and cranked it. "See you at the house, old man."


	10. Turning

Title- Turn And Face The Stranger

Disclaimer- These characters with the exception of Becca and Carson don't belong to me. If they were mine, you'd be seeing this on TV and I'd have a house in Beverly Hills.You have now been disclaimed.

A/N- Sorry for the delay in posting guys, I've been having computer issues again but hopefully they will all be cleared up by the end of July. Please read and review, I'm dying to know what you guys think of how the story's going. As always many thanks to my SVU beta, the amazing FaithHopeLove for her support, assistance and the occassional grammatical kick in the rear. "You are the woman, Faith." Also a shout out to my partner in crime Jules and to David. "Ya'll take care."

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"Ready Becca?" Cragen's voice pulled Becca back to the present.

"Yeah, Cap, let's do it." Becca grabbed her notes and left the interview room.

She walked out into the bullpen, which was now full of detectives and uniformed officers. As she made her way to the board she noticed it held only Carson's photo, and one of the New York victim. Tomorrow it would look like the one she'd left in San Francisco. She swore to herself she'd find and stop Carson before his body count in New York got that high.

Cragen stepped forward to start the briefing, and Becca stood off to the side looking over the twenty or so officers. She offered a silent prayer to whomever that they could help her succeed this time.

"Okay, people." Cragen began the briefing. "We've got one unidentified male Caucasian victim, approximately eight years old, dumped in the boathouse lake at Central Park. The ME has confirmed cause of death as ligature strangulation with post mortem castration."

Don gestured to Becca. "This is Inspector Rebecca Swann, San Francisco PD sex crimes unit. She headed a task force in San Francisco that attempted to catch the perp and will liaise with our department. Inspector." He gestured for Becca to take over the briefing.

Becca stepped forward. "San Francisco's first victim was abducted from a supermarket parking lot in broad daylight, and was found floating in a public fountain five days later, on October 17, 2003. The cause of death and the mutilation were the same on our victims as on the kid found this morning."

Becca began a run down of the victims without looking at the notes in her hand. Each kid, each date was burned into her mind and soul. It took nearly twenty minutes to cover each victim and the pattern of abduction and murder Carson followed in San Francisco.

"Only in the case of the last victim in San Francisco did we find the genitals. In each case the dump took place five to ten days after the abduction. I've been informed that my squad got a hit on this guy's MO from Seattle where we believe he had eight victims over six years. His dumpsites were not as public in Seattle, so that number could change. There are still four unresolved missing kid cases in that area where the description fits our guy's target group. Before Seattle, he was either below the radar or inactive." Becca looked around the room. "Any questions so far?"

"Yeah, how do we know this is the same guy? Bicoastal serial killers are very rare, aren't they?" One of the uniforms asked.

"Dr. Huang?" Becca looked toward the psychiatrist inviting him to take the question.

"There have only been a few serial killers in the past who have hunted in a non-patterned manner, and most of them have, on closer examination, proven to be spree killers or thrill killers." Huang explained. "By and large, a serial killer is methodical in the planning and execution of his crimes and highly territory-specific. This sudden movement is only rational in view of the killer's self-perceived connection to Inspector Swann."

"This guy, Owen Carson, hooked into me during the 'Frisco investigation. He evidently followed me to New York." Becca took a deep breath. "He called me this morning on my cell phone and told me about the body in the park. So I'm pretty confident he's our guy."

"You said he took eight victims in Seattle over a six year period and nine in San Francisco in less than two years?" Munch asked looking over the top of his glasses.

"You've got it. His timetable sped up from Seattle to 'Frisco and may do so again, so we may not have a two month window till his next snatch. He may change his timing, but his target group hasn't changed, and I doubt it will, so Missing Persons has been notified and will immediately inform us of any reported cases falling into this mutt's comfort zone. We'll have files from San Francisco tomorrow and from Seattle the next day." She made eye contact around the room. "The clock is ticking people, so let's nail this bastard fast. Any other questions? No? Very well, Captain Cragen will be handing out assignments." She stepped back and let out a sigh.

George Huang stepped up beside her. "Care to join me for our appointment, Inspector?"

"Let's take this outside, doc. I could use a smoke." Becca said resignedly.

"The roof should be completely private." George suggested.

"Lead the way." She answered.

As they settled on the parapet, Becca lit a cigarette and smiled slightly. "I would guess from the looks you were giving me during the briefing that Stabler told you what we talked about."

"Does it bother you that he did?" George asked by way of admission.

"No, I figured he would tell you…or Cappie." She took a long draw on the cigarette and looked out over the city. "I love my job, I couldn't imagine doing anything else. But sometimes I hate it, too. I've got stuff in my head no one should ever have to see and I see it every day. Pain, violation, mutilation and death, a constant stream of the worst of man's inhumanity. But sometimes I make a difference; sometimes I keep someone from being introduced to that vileness and sometimes I help the victim get justice so they can heal a little better." She took another draw. "Usually that's enough to keep me going, but the kids…"

Becca drew a shuddering breath. "Oh God, George, when I see a kid broken, dead, or worse yet alive to remember the horror they endured, it takes a piece of me."

She sat for a long moment; George could tell she was seeing those kids in her mind. "I finally hit a wall about a year before the Carson case started. We caught a case; the perp had been molesting his little eight-year-old stepdaughter since she was four, and her mother knew all about it. One night he loaned her to a friend, and the guy strangled her. After we arrested both the bastards, I went home and put my Glock in my mouth. I just couldn't handle another night of dreams about these kids." She dropped the cigarette and stomped it out ruthlessly, immediately lighting another.

"Fortunately, I had a partner who decided I didn't need to be alone, and when I didn't answer my door he used his key. Ben pulled the gun out of my mouth before I could pull the trigger. I spent the night on my couch crying into his shirt. I started therapy the next day."

"How long were you in therapy?" George asked.

"I still am. It was every day at first, then once a week." Becca chuckled once, an empty harsh sound. "Well, once a week until Ben offed himself. Then I just split."

"Have you thought about suicide since Ben killed himself?" Huang asked.

"Only every day, but I put my head between my knees until the feeling passes." Becca joked lamely. "Don't worry, Doc, I'm not gonna off myself. Ben forgot the most important thing he said to me that night. You can't quit; if you quit you can never explain to the ones you weren't there for why you copped out. You either retire or go down in the line of duty. I think I'll opt for retirement."

"Let's talk about the rape." George said.

"Let's not." Becca gave a short bitter laugh. "Sorry doc. I just don't know what to say. I know what I feel, but when I open my mouth, the cop takes over."

"So start with that." George prompted.

"Okay. The perp…" She began.

"Stop." Huang cut her off. "Describe _him_ Becca; not what he _looked_ like. Tell me how he smelled; what his hands felt like."

Becca stood up and moved away. "I can't." She answered shortly.

"Why not?"

"Cause it will make him real; make what he did to me real." Becca edged closer to the stairway door.

"Are you going to run again, Becca? Hide from this the way you hid from Ben's death?" George moved between her and the only avenue of escape. "It didn't work did it, Becca? Ben's still there every time you close your eyes, isn't he?" He moved closer. "You can't run far enough or fast enough to get away from yourself. It's time to stop running and deal with everything."

As George spoke, Becca's gaze had gone from wildly eyeing the door to turn inward. She sank down and folded in on herself, knees to her chest, arms hugging them tightly.

"He smelled, oh God, he stank of beer and sweat, and his breath was horrible. He made me… he shoved his crotch in my face and told me to kiss his penis or he'd slit my throat. I-I…nearly threw up from the smell." She began to sob, stammering out the words a few at a time. "He c-cut my underwear off and shoved into me s-so hard, I screamed. When I begged him to stop, he just l-laughed and said he liked a woman who knew how to beg. He pounded into me over and o-over. I c-couldn't stop him, I ..I…" Her voice broke and became incoherent as she cried, rocking back and forth.

George knelt beside her and she clung to him like a drowning woman, weeping inconsolably. After almost ten minutes, Becca's tears began to slow and she pulled back from him, wiping her eyes.

"Your shirt's soaked now." She drew in a shaky breath. "Jesus, I hate to cry."

"Do you think it makes you appear weak?" George asked, handing her a handkerchief.

"Thanks." She said, wiping her eyes with the cloth. "Nah, I just hate the way it makes my nose run." The laugh she gave was quavering but genuine.

"Do you want to go on now?" George asked.

"Not really, but I guess that shows that I need to, huh?" Becca pulled out another cigarette and lit up. "Ready for round two, Doc?" She grinned weakly.

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A/N- Please read and review this one. I will be posting another chapter before Sunday night if my computer will cooperate. Thank you to everyone who has been reviewing, your thought have helped me clarify some sticky plot points and kept things moving.


	11. Chapter 11

Title -Turn and Face the Stranger

Disclaimer- SVU and all the Law and Order series belong to Dick Wolf et al. If they were mine, they'd probably have to move the show to HBO.

Author's Note- My apologies for taking so long to update, but the last chapter really drained me and I simply couldn't face this fic for a while. This chapter is short because the break felt natural and I didn't want to extend it too far into the upcoming action. Please read and review, I'd like some input on how this is going.

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As Becca entered the bullpen after her session with Doctor Huang, she ran into Elliot and Olivia who were grabbing their coats.

"We just got an id on our victim, Becca. We're heading out to notify the parents. Do you want to ride with us?" Olivia asked.

"That's probably not a good idea." Becca shook her head. "If the parents find out that I'm San Francisco P.D., the press could tumble to Carson. The last thing we need is reporters all over this thing."

"They're going pick up on it sooner or later." Elliot said as he shrugged into his coat.

"Yeah but the longer we can deny Carson press, the better. Reporters are gonna have a field day when they realize he's bi coastal and he'll eat it up. Besides I want a look at what the crime lab got from the dumpsite and then Fin and I are going back to the lake. I need to walk the area and see if I can figure out why Carson chose it." Becca said.

"You think maybe that's important?" Elliot asked.

"One thing I've learned about Carson, he always has a reason for everything he does, since I'm the reason he came to New York, I think maybe he chose the park to tell me something. He wanted me to be at the scene for some reason or he would have called after the story hit the news." She leaned against the doorframe. "I have a gut feeling something is there for me to see. He sent notes in 'Frisco and he's trying to communicate with me here as well."

"We'll call Fin's cell when we're done with the notification. If you're still at the lake, we'll come help you look." Olivia said.

"Thanks Olivia, see you two later." Becca said and turned toward Cragen's office. She knocked on the frame of the open door.

"Captain. I'd like to borrow Fin. I want to see what the CSIs have and I'd like to take a walk around the dumpsite."

"Sure, he and Munch are working through the faxed material from San Francisco in the loft." Don told her, then reached into his desk drawer and pulled out a Glock, a holster and a card. "Your temporary permit was just messengered over from 1PP. I thought you could use my piece and I'll carry my old one."

"Thank Captain." She took the gun and checked the action before sliding the holster onto her belt. "Does the permit cover just this piece? I'd really like to pick up a small one to wear on my ankle."

"It's at your discretion, up to three weapons. Just let me know the serial numbers so ballistics can add them to the active duty log." He told her. "How did it go with George?"

"About like a root canal, but I'm getting there." Becca answered dropping the professional formality. "I'll make it, Cappie. Somehow I'll make it."

Don came around the desk and pulled her into a hug. "My only concern is that you make it in one piece, sweetheart."

Becca held on tightly, breathing in the faint scent of his aftershave. The familiar smell brought tears to her eyes, reminding her of all the times Cappie had held her safe and made everything right. She silently wished this were only a skinned knee or a boy standing her up, that this pain was something her godfather could sooth away with a hug and kiss, as he had all her small hurts growing up. But the agony she felt over losing Ben wasn't something that could be made 'all better'.

"I'm sorry about Ben, baby." Funny how Cappie had always seemed to be able to read her thoughts. "You never told me much about him, what was he like?"

Becca grinned up at him. "A lot like you, old and grouchy." Her grin faded as her eyes filled with tears and she laid her head back on his chest. "I miss him so much, Cappie. It's only been three weeks and it feels like years since I held him." She was silent for a moment while tears slipped down her face. "Does it get any easier?"

Don smiled sadly and stroked her hair. "It's been twenty years since Marge died and I miss her just as much." He leaned back, lifted Becca's chin with a finger and looked in her eyes. "It does get easier to remember over time. It doesn't hurt as much. At first I stared at her picture every night and cried."

"I remember, I sat in the hall and watched you. I wanted so badly to make it better, but I didn't know what to say." Becca touched his cheek. "For a long time I thought that if I'd just found the right words you wouldn't have needed to hide in the bottle."

"Alcohol was a problem for me before Marge died, baby. Nothing you could have said would have saved me from that, I was the only one who could stop it. Besides having you there saved me from worse than the booze."

"What do you mean?" Becca looked up questioningly.

"I very nearly committed suicide after the funeral, the only reason I didn't was I couldn't leave you alone." He smiled at her and dropped a kiss on her forehead. "I know what you're feeling, Becca and I'm here to listen anytime you need to talk."

Becca kissed his cheek. "I love you, Cappie and thanks." She started to the door then turned. "You know seriously, Ben really was a lot like you. I guess that's why it was so easy for him to get past my defenses."

She closed the door and went in search of Fin.

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A/N - Thank you all for reading, now go review so I'll have something to smile about.


	12. Chapter 12

Disclaimer- SVU and all the other Law and Order series belong to Dick Wolf and he doesn't share.  
Author's Note- I hope everyone will read and review. Compared to this one all my other fics have been a breeze.

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Fin and Becca stood in the crime lab as the tech read through the list of catalogued evidence. Everything sounded pretty generic, it could have been from just about any other dump job Fin ever investigated. Suddenly Becca stopped the tech.

"Hang on, did you just say a Saint Jude's medal with a stone mounted on it?" She asked the tech, her voice filled with apprehension. At the tech's nod she continued, "Let me see it."

"I'll go get it from trace." The lab tech headed out.

"What's up?" Fin asked. "You think this might be from Carson?"

Becca stared ahead and nodded, a tense frown of concentration on her features. When the lab tech returned with an evidence envelope, Becca pulled on a pair of gloves and took the envelope, carefully opening it and allowing the contents to slide into her hand. She turned it over and read the inscription on the back.

Her voice was soft as she spoke to the tech. "Where was it found?"

"Clutched in the victim's hand." The tech answered.

Becca slid the medal into the envelope and gently sealed it. She laid the envelope on the table and without another word to either Fin or the lab tech turned and left the room.

Fin shrugged at the tech and turned to follow her. Out in the hall he saw Becca heading toward the exit, weaving down the hall as though drunk. As he caught up to her and spoke her name, she stopped and turned to face him. She was pale and hollow eyed, her voice desolate.

"I gave Ben that St. Jude medal not long after we started seeing each other. It had a piece of amber on it and on the back was inscribed a line from a poem Ben wrote." Becca's knees buckled, Fin caught her as she began to fall.

He helped her to a chair nearby and crouched in front of her. "So it was Ben's?"

Becca nodded. "Fin, Ben never took that medal off. He was never without it. I didn't even think to see if it was around his neck at the funeral." Her hands clenched into fists, her face becoming a cold mask of fury. "That was Carson's message, he killed Ben. I know it. Somehow he killed Ben and made it look like suicide. That fucking bastard! When I find him, I'll rip his heart out."

Becca reached for her cell phone and hit speed dial. "Chief. It's Swann. You need to go back over Ben's place. We've just found evidence that it wasn't suicide. It was Carson, he left Ben's St. Jude medal in the New York vic.'s hand." She listened for a moment. "Yes sir, I'm positive it's his; I gave it to him." Becca listened again and then responded. "Yes sir, I'll be on the first plane back after I slap the cuffs on him." She flipped the phone closed and dropped her head into her hands.

"I knew it." She whispered. "Some how I knew Ben didn't off himself, he just wasn't the type."

"So now what?" Fin asked.

"Now I find the son of a bitch and make him pay." Becca raised her head and looked at Fin, tear tracks glistening in the florescent lighting.

Fin reached out and pulled her close. "We'll get him, but you've got to promise me you'll do this by the book. No street justice."

Becca nodded resignedly and pulled away. "Let's get back to the house and fill the Captain in on this." She stood and strode purposefully toward the door.

Fin watched her for a moment wondering if she'd actually keep the promise she'd just made. He didn't know of he'd be able to keep that kind of promise if it were Munch and he certainly wasn't in love with the crazy old jackass, but partners are partners no matter what.

_Well, I'll just have to make sure she doesn't get the chance to break it. _He thought to himself, standing and following Becca out the door.


	13. Chapter 13

Disclaimer- By now you all know they're not mine except for Becca and Carson. I'll give Carson to the first passing stranger.

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**THREE WEEKS LATER**

At the end of yet another long frustrating day in the fruitless search for Owen Carson, Elliot walked into the locker room to change. As usual he found himself the last in the squad room except for Cragen, who was still at his desk. He'd decided to work out in the weight room before heading home. As he opened the door, he heard the sound of someone working with the punching bag. From the fury of the blows it seemed he wasn't the only one who had chosen tonight to work out their frustrations on the equipment in this room.

He stopped in the doorway and let his eyes adjust to the lower light; across the room in the corner was Becca, beating the crap out of the leather bag. He began to back out of the room quietly when she stopped and called over her shoulder.

"You may as well come in, Stabler. If you're gonna lurk in the dark, I can punch on you instead of this bag." Becca turned and grinned.

"How'd you know I was here?" He asked as he pulled on the lightweight sparing gloves.

"I can just sense when someone's in the room." She shrugged, "'Course it's easier with that rookie on loan from patrol. His cologne is a dead giveaway."

"So I've noticed." Elliot laughed, walking over to the practice ring, delineated by the pads attached to the hardwood floor. When Becca joined him, he brought up his hands and dropped into a ready stance. "Gonna show me those 'Million Dollar Baby' moves?" He smirked.

"I'd wipe the floor with Hillary Swank." She began circling him looking for an opening. "And besides, I don't box."

"Well what do you do?" Elliot asked and promptly found himself on the floor with her straddling his chest, knees pinning his upper arms to the mat.

"What ever it takes." Becca rolled away quickly and moved back out of his reach just as he decided to sweep her legs.

Turning the move into levering himself up off the floor, El looked her up and down. "Let's see you do that again." He brought his hands back up.

"Probably not." She said watching his hips to see which way he was going to move. "You're expecting it now."

For the next ten minutes they traded pulled blows and kicks, as each of them jockeyed for a position that would allow them to take the other down. Elliot won the match, but only by virtue of greater size. The two detectives grabbed towels and headed for the drink machine in the hall after shedding their gloves.

"I just hope Liv hasn't bought the last bottled water again." Elliot said as he put his money in the machine.

"At least you're not trying to buy an iced Frappachino." Becca said leaning against the wall. "Fin pulled the last one out this afternoon."

"I always find that funny." Elliot grinned as the bottle dropped and he pulled it out. Handing the first to Becca, he pulled another one. "Big tough ex narc and he drinks caffeinated froofroo drinks

"Froofroo?" Becca narrowly avoided snorking her water through her nose. "Who says froofroo anymore, El?"

"I do." He loomed over her in mock menace. "Is that a problem?"

"Only if you wanna date sometime in the next quarter century." Becca laughed up at him. "Women will generally dismiss a man who says froofroo as a wuss."

"Okay I'll add that to the list of rules for recently divorced." Elliot smiled.

"Or you could skip the rules and go straight to asking out the one who really matters." Becca said seriously.

Elliot looked at her. "Are you making a pass at me, Becca?" The astonishment was clear in his voice. He admired Becca's drive, her tenacity and her keen analytical mind, but was not attracted in the least and she was just a little scary.

"Eeww, that would be like dating a brother, if I had one. Too weird for words." She sputtered. "I meant the one who_ really_ matters." She nodded her head toward the desks that El and Liv's desks. Elliot gulped the mouthful of water he'd taken and tried to form a response.

"Don't bother with the 'we're just partners' speech, Stabler. It comes off both of you in waves." Becca said walking toward the desks and plopping down in John's chair. She drank half the bottle of water and propped her feet up on the desk. "Denial ain't just a river in Egypt, brother and you two have obviously gotten very good at denial. Want some advice?"

Elliot nodded reluctantly. "Grab a shower, drive to Liv's and when she opens the door, lay one on her. It'll do you both a world of good." Becca grinned, stood and sauntered across to the door; looking back at El who was still trying to process her last comment, she winked. "You'll thank me in the morning."

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	14. Chapter 14

Disclaimer- I wish I owned them!

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**Two Days Later**

Becca felt like crap as she, Fin and Munch entered the bullpen after a long morning canvassing motels near the last location Carson was spotted. As they started toward Cragen's office, he came through the door.

"Stabler and Benson just called. A security guard at the westside YMCA has a guy matching Carson's description trapped in the gym. He snatched a kid from the locker room, but the guards kept him from leaving the building." The strain of this case had left yet more lines on Cragen's face.

Fin cursed. "About time the son of a bitch screwed up." His voice was dark with barely suppressed anger.

Becca put a hand on his arm. "We've got him out of his comfort zone, Fin. Now we end this for good. Let's go."

Cragen held up a hand and ordered. "Hold it. We go, Becca but we do this right or you stay behind, understand?"

Becca squirmed under his steady gaze, then reluctantly nodded. "Promise. I won't let you down."

Cragen allowed himself a brief smile. "I know you won't, sweetheart."

Behind him Munch morosely commented, "Famous last words." Fin turned, scowling, then caught the deadpan look he gave him. "Funny, John."

**Westside YMCA**

Becca barely waited for Fin to stop the car before she bailed out and ran to the doorway of the Y. Opening the glass door, she could see uniforms on both sides of the hall, then her breath caught at the sight the open door to the gym displayed.

Carson stood against the wall between the two windows with his knife to the kid's throat. Olivia and Elliot were facing him, guns drawn.

"One more step and I'll slit his throat." Becca could hear Carson from her position in the hall.

"Let me go in Cap," She whispered to Don. "I can get him to let the kid go."

"How? Bribery?" Munch asked sarcastically.

Becca turned to the tall detective. "Well yeah, I can give him what he wants" She looked back at Cragen. "He wants me and it's the best shot we have of getting the kid out of there."

"No, absolutely not." Don shook his head.

"Cappie, we both know he'll kill the kid if he feels pushed to it. I'm the best chance we have of a quick clean take down." She put a hand on his arm as he continued to shake his head. "It's the job, Uncle Don. Protect and serve, remember? You and Uncle Lennie taught me that. The best way I can protect that kid is to convince Carson to make a trade."

"Becca..." Don's voice held an almost pleading note, but at the determined look in her eyes he stopped. "I never could get you to change your mind." He said resignedly.

"Nope, stubborn just like my godfather." Becca grinned and began pulling off her vest.

"Becca, leave it on." Fin said.

"No, no vest, just me and him." Becca said. "I'm sending out Benson and Stabler with the kid." She handed her piece to Cragen.

"Keep the gun Becca." Don said. "I don't want you going in there unarmed."

"No worries ." She lifted the leg of her pants to reveal an ankle holster with a small pistol. "Always have a back up plan, Cappie. You taught me that too."

Becca slid to the door. "Carson, I'm coming in."

"No guns, Rebecca." He called out.

Becca stepped into the doorway hands up. "No weapon, no vest, Owen. Just me. I want you to let the kid go."

"Right, and then these two shoot. Dying isn't part of the plan, Rebecca." Carson told her.

"Lower your guns, guys." Becca said as she moved past them and did a slow turn, hands still raised. "Okay, Carson, these two are gonna back up to the door and when I get close enough to you, you let the kid go out with the detectives."

"Becca, we're not leaving you in here." Olivia said.

"Take the kid and go, Liv. I'll be all right." Becca told her.

"Back up." Carson ordered. "When you've got my little friend here, shut the door behind you."

"No way." Elliot hissed. "We'll fall back but the door stays open."

"Elliot please, do it." Becca reached Carson, who released the boy and grabbed her pulling her back against his chest.

The terrified child stood still for several heartbeats, then ran toward Olivia's outstretched hand. She grabbed him and backed out the door while Elliot positioned himself between her and Carson.

"Give it up Carson and we can all walk out of here alive." Elliot made one more attempt to end the standoff.

"Perhaps after Rebecca and I have had our little chat, I'll consider your generous offer detective." Carson smirked. "However I must insist on privacy." He gestured to the door.

Elliot looked at Becca questioningly.

"It's okay, Elliot. He's not going to hurt me, not yet anyway." Becca told him. "Go ahead."

Elliot back out and the door and reluctantly closed it.

"Now what?" Becca asked. "Am I supposed to profess my undying love for you while you hold a knife to my throat?"

"Rebecca, you must stop fighting. I don't want to hurt you." He tightened his arm around her. "Why can't you acknowledge the truth? We are meant to be together."

"Pardon me if I don't believe in happily ever after with a murderous psychopath." Becca said flatly.

"Don't deny me, Rebecca. I've proven my love for you time and time again." He turned her to face him. "I've removed every obstacle between us. Our time is now."

Becca smiled and slid her arms up as though to embrace him. As Carson began to smile at her supposed surrender, she slammed her head forward and heard the satisfying crunch of his nose. Carson screamed and swung blindly with the knife as Becca danced back. Unfortunately his reach exceeded her estimate and the knife sliced across her arm. She barely noticed the burning sensation and moved in with a kick aimed to disarm him. She connected and the knife dropped from his hand.

Carson dove for it at the same time Becca did; both grasped it and grappled for control as the door slammed open behind them.

"Hold your fire." Becca heard Elliot's voice command while she tried to get the upper hand with Carson and her hand crept to her ankle holster. Her fingers were slick and wet as she drew her back up piece and put the barrel between his eyes.

"Drop the knife or I'll repaint the wall with your brains." She growled and was rewarded with the clatter of the knife falling from his hand. Someone kicked it away and a voice spoke from what seemed miles away.

"We've got him Becca. You can stand down." Fin whispered from beside her, eyeing her trembling gun hand and wondering if he could get the gun before she could squeeze the trigger.

"He's mine." She said not taking her eyes off him. "I oughta do you right now." She hissed at Carson. "You murdering bastard, you killed Ben. Taking you out would be doing the world a favor." She leaned in and whispered in a menacing tone. "How does it feel to know you are a finger twitch from oblivion?"

"Becca, " Fin said touching her shoulder. "Ben wouldn't want it to go down this way." He felt her relax under his hand.

"Gimme the cuffs." Becca sighed holstering her gun. "Owen Carson you are under arrest for felony kidnaping, sexual assault of a minor and murder. You have the right to remain silent, if you give up this right, anything you say can be used against you in a court of law..." Becca cuffed Carson as she read him his rights. When she finished, Elliot and Munch lifted him off the floor and took him down to the waiting cruiser.

Fin helped her up off the floor. "Is any of that blood yours?" He asked.

Becca looked down and realized that her arm was bleeding. She swayed as the room grayed out on her. The next thing she knew she was looking at the ceiling and she could hear Olivia on the radio calling in an officer down. Cragen was holding her hand and looking very worried.

"I'll be fine Cappie. I really don't think it's all that bad. I just can't stand the sight of my own blood." Becca joked. "Shit, this hurts."

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	15. Chapter 15

Disclaimer- I own a cat named Elliot, but that's as close as I've gotten.

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By the time Becca had been released from the ER and she and Cragen arrived at O'Malley's bar, the squad was already on their second round.

"Here's the hero!" One of the rookie uniforms who'd worked the case toasted her as she and Don worked their way back to the table. She stopped and looked at the kid.

"Let me explain something your partner shoulda told you. Hero is a four letter word; usually goes with another four letter word, dead." Becca leaned in and put a finger on the kid's chest. "You got two jobs, rook. Number one, get the bad guy and number two, go home at the end of your shift." She grabbed a beer from a passing waiter and put it in the young cop's hand. "Enjoy the moment, kid." Becca patted him on the back and walked to the table where Don had joined the squad.

Fin pushed a glass in front of her and poured from the pitcher on the table.

Becca raised her glass and said, "Here's to a good day. Nobody got dead." The others raised their glasses and toasted the sentiment.

"So, are when you heading back?" John asked as they sat their beers on the table.

"Well actually, I talked to Chief Vasquez and I'm not going back to 'Frisco. I'm taking a job with the NYPD." The looks around the table were priceless. "Don't panic guys. I'll be working Queens SVU. Manhattan is way to quiet for me."

"Why didn't you tell me, Becca?" Cragen asked. "We're not related, you could have gotten on my squad."

Becca threw an arm around his shoulder. "Cappie, I love you and I've realized I don't want to be clear across country from you, but you'd kill me inside a month. I cut too many corners for your peace of mind. Besides your ulcers couldn't take it."

"Now who wants to take a week off and fly to San Francisco with me. I gotta bring my baby back." Becca took another pull on her beer.

"Baby?" Elliot asked.

"Yep, a 1968 Shelby Cobra convertible, black as sin and barely street legal." Becca grinned. "Wanna see a picture?" She laughed.

"Your 'baby' is a car?" Liv asked.

"No, my baby is a true American icon. A Toyota is a car, a Honda is a car, a Mercedes is an _expensive _car. A Cobra is a rolling dream machine." Liv looked unimpressed. "What can I say, when it comes to cars, I'm more guy than girl." Becca smile faltered and she didn't join in the laughter, but slipped quietly away as the conversation turned to other subjects.

About ten minutes later, Fin found her sitting at the bar with a Scotch. "Get tired of the beer?" He asked sliding onto the stool beside her.

"Just needed a minute." Becca stared into the dark amber depths of the glass. "Ben always ragged me about the car and it just threw me to.. Well it threw me."

"Want to go some place and talk?" Fin offered.

"I feel like talking is all I've done. I wish I could ditch the whole subject for the night and go dancing," Becca looked around the room. "I seem to be short of options for a dance partner. Most cops I know don't dance."

"Come on, girl. I dance and I know a great club a couple of blocks away." Fin stood and threw enough on the bar to cover their drinks. "Let's tell the others we're leaving and blow this place."

"Odafin, you're my kinda guy." Becca grinned and downed the rest of her drink. "Show me the door, big man."

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End file.
